saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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