I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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