Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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