I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
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She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
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Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why