no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
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