I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
