Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
