I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
