i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
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I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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