I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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