New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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