I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
