Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
