you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
