just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
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I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
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So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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