Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
