So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
