I swear god or herbie drove my car home
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
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