I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I need to sanitize my soul.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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