fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
