my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
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