It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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