1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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