Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
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This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
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It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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