I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
