cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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