It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
