theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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