I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
