he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
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