Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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