if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
These tits shall not be calmed
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