I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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