I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
