Got a toothbrush?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
