Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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