if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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