I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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