Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize
