As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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