my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
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