I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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