OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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