I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
