im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
