So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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