You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
