So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He? As in you personified your dick?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
