I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
