It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Randomize
