The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
