How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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