Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
