I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
This is the high leading the old right now
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Come on in and take your pants off
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